My partner is mad at me, but they're wrong! What should I do?

One of the most common stumbling blocks I come across for couples is when partner A is upset about something that partner B did (or didn't do), and then A brings it to B's attention. "How could you be so thoughtless, it's like you don't care about me at all!" One of the most common "mistakes" people make during conflicts, according to couples therapists anyway, is being defensive. What does being defensive mean? Something like partner B telling A they shouldn't be so upset, or making excuses, or even just trying to explain themselves without being sufficiently accepting of partner A's feelings. So if you're not supposed to be defensive, you're just supposed to sit there and take it? Let your partner be mad at you, even if you think they're wrong? Or are you supposed to fight back and demand they not be mad at you for misconceptions about what happened, but risk escalating the discussion into a full-on fight because now you're not validating their feelings? These don't seem like great options. So what are you supposed to do?

It helps first to know why certain things can be so upsetting in relationships. It has to do with what the behavior of partner B means for what partner A believes they can expect from B, or what A believes B feels or thinks about A. In simpler terms, does A think that B cares about them? considers them? thinks they're special? respects them? Can A trust B or depend on them when things get tough? We all want to feel valued, respected, considered, and cared for by our partners. And when we don't, we feel hurt. And in order to be able to predict this, we need to have some belief about what they think about us. But we rarely have the ability to know exactly what's going on in someone else's mind, even if it's our close partner. So we draw conclusions about what's going on in their mind by working backwards from their behavior (which is what we can actually observe). As partner B, it's going to be hard to respond effectively if you don't know what conclusions A is making in a given situation.

So your goal should be initially to get to the point where you understand what they think you think (or thought or cared about when the incident occurred). Only then are you prepared to respond to them in a compassionate and effective way. In order to get here, it doesn't really matter what extra information you have that might change their perception or judgment. (Yet! Your time will come though.) You should realize that in that moment, if your partner is upset, what's going to help most is to demonstrate that you care about the fact that they feel hurt and are responsive to it. That you show a willingness to reassure them that you will work with them to help them through this situation.

Okay, so that's what the mindset should be. But what should you actually say? If you can reflect or summarize back to them what the critical thought is that they think you have, it's likely to have a calming effect on them. It might not be an instant miraculous change, but it will ratchet down the emotions they have. Something like "It sounds like you think I didn't value your needs sufficiently today when you didn't hear from me until an hour later than usual, and it made you feel like I don't care about you as much as you want it to feel" might correctly identify the critical thought and get the point across, but might sound a little too therapist-y. Instead, how about "It sounds like you sure felt like I was inconsiderate by not keeping you in the loop. Do I have that right?" It might sound awkward at first to so directly try to summarize and reflect back to them the critical point they're making, but you know what? It works.

There's something important I haven't gotten to yet, which is in the title of this post. What if their reaction is based on a misconception? Say, incomplete or incorrect information? The next thing I would do is say something like "You know what, I definitely understand why you would be really upset if your partner[/husband/wife/etc.] was inconsiderate [or showed disregard for your feelings, etc.]. I would feel that way too. That's the most important thing. I love you, and I want you to feel confident in that." It's important that whatever you say reflects true empathy. If not, it's probably going to feel condescending to them.

If they're playing by "the rules" in couples conflict, they will probably want you to give them the explanation at this point. They may still seem unhappy, but you know they want to hear what you have to say. If they're not playing by the rules, they might tell you what you think or what you feel (that's called mindreading sometimes in therapy-speak, or more simply making negative assumptions about what's in your head, which of course you're ultimately the only one who knows and they can only assume). That's on them. Ideally, they should know that's counterproductive. You should immediately point that out to them, tactfully, if they do that. If they don't agree that mindreading resulting in negative inaccurate assumptions is a problem, that, in itself, is a big problem and you probably need a professional to help them understand that.

So, the formula is roughly:

1. identify their negative thoughts that caused their reaction by letting them tell you or asking, so you know what they actually think.

2. reflect or summarize that back to them so they know you know what it is (not just the behavior, but their thoughts about what's in your head!).

3. reassure them how you actually feel by showing sincere understanding and empathy. It's important this is done in a sincere way, not a condescending way. You have not in any of these first 3 steps told them they're wrong or mistaken or shouldn't feel that way!

At this point, they will probably be more open to hearing your side of the story. They might still be upset at first, but hopefully will hear you out. And that's about the best you can do in this case. If they realize it was a misunderstanding, they'll probably forgive you and you can have a nice repair conversation. If through this process you realize you could have done things differently, well, that's something you should admit to. If through this process you realize you just had different expectations, that's an important thing to identify and iron out too. I'm sorry that these things tend to come out exactly through these kinds of circumstances.

It's important to remember that all couples, even ones who rate their relationship satisfaction as high, have conflicts. And this kind of situation is probably a good demonstration of why. It's sort of hard to avoid these kinds of misunderstandings, in other words it's more or less inevitable that this kind of thing will happen from time to time. So it's good to know what you're aiming for in these situations.