Is your partner a true teammate, or just company?

Occasionally when I’m counseling individual clients, the topic of their relationship comes up.  Sometimes they’re married and trying to solve problems in the relationship on their own.  Sometimes they even ask me if I think they’re the problem.  I admire these clients for having an open mind to consider whether they could be doing something differently.  Sometimes, they are not married yet, but wondering if the person they’re with is the right one for them - they might debate whether they should commit or leave, or they might just be wondering if they’re “ready” for marriage as a couple.

What I’m likely to ask them is this: Does your partner feel like company, or do they feel like a teammate?

If it is not already apparent from how I framed the question, relationships are more satisfying when it feels like you have an actual teammate, not just merely someone you pass time with.  Back to the question though: sometimes the answer comes quickly to them.  However, often they are not sure.  So how do you distinguish the two?

I would say, a teammate is someone who is invested in, and willing to help you achieve your goals and dreams.  Now, they don’t need to bend over backwards to do that, but the willingness to assist you in prioritizing the things that are important to you is an important element of feeling like your partner is adding something positive to your life.  If it feels like when you tell them about something going on for you that is important, and they seem disinterested, or unwilling to see why that thing is important, well, then it sounds like at least in that moment they are not acting like a teammate.

Let’s pick a concrete example so it is clear.  This isn’t going to be the heaviest example in the world, but hopefully it will make it simple.  Let’s say you have always wanted to go see one of your favorite music artists perform live in concert, but they’re not coming to your town.  The closest they will come might be a few hours by car, or it might be clear across the country.  And it’s on a weeknight.  This is something you’ve imagined doing for a long time, and it is an experience that would be very meaningful for you.  Even though it adds an extra expense, you have determined it’s within your budget and you’d like to go.  Will your partner help accommodate you travelling to this concert?  Will they let you spend the money on it?  Will they take care of the kids or the dog while you’re gone?  They may even need to rearrange their schedule somewhat to do that.  That’s a teammate.  Maybe they even want to go with you; that would be great!  But maybe they’re not interested, and while disappointing, you can’t force someone else to think something is as important to them to experience as it is for you.  So in the end, should they be required to go with you to be a good teammate?  I don’t think that would be mandatory.  But they should be supportive if they know it’s important to you, rather than flatly say something like “It’s not in our budget” or “That’s too hard to do because of the kids’ schedule” without really considering it and figuring out if there’s a way to make it work.  If that’s how they respond, that sounds more like they’re not invested in your goals and dreams, it sounds like merely company in your regular routine.

Life can be more complicated than my example though.  I just want to clarify that there are some big important decisions that aren’t as easy for a partner to accommodate.  Moving for a new job if that means the partner giving up theirs for example.  What the partner gives up in order to accommodate and support does have to be taken into consideration.  You can't ask someone to sacrifice something more important to them for something of yours that doesn't quite hold the same weight. No matter what the situation though, you shouldn’t feel dismissed without consideration.

A teammate should feel like someone you can depend on.  Someone who has your back.  Someone who’s happy when you win, so they want to help make that happen.  Just like in sports, teammates often have different roles in support of a larger goal, so you shouldn’t necessarily expect them to be exactly like you.  Sometimes teammates even argue, and that is ultimately okay if they are committed to the same mutual goals.  But if it doesn’t feel like this to you, or if when you’re honest with yourself you think maybe you haven’t been there in that way for your partner, I would say it’s time for reconsidering the way you think about and relate to each other.

Now, hopefully you can go out there, and win together.