The evolving roles and expectations for men and women in relationships, and why it still matters today.

The expectations, norms, and roles in marriage today are much different than they were a few generations ago, and these shifts can cause stresses in the relationship, sometimes in ways that aren't obvious.  I think it’s important to understand where this might come from, and what can be done about it, so that both people in the relationship can ultimately be happy. You will see that at times I come to the defense of both women and men, which I think is as it should be.

There was a time, in the mid-20th century, when norms and expectations in society were different.  We can think of this as aligning with what are sometimes called traditional roles for men and women. During the development of the feminist movement, women advocated for more freedom and agency.  Including being able to open their own financial accounts, seek more professional and traditionally prestigious careers, and in general being treated more equally to men rather than subservient.  Soon the new generation of women were more ambitious, but due to their historical roles had not shed the responsibilities that had typically fallen on them inside the home and with children.  So many women felt overloaded and that things were still unfair.  They not only were doctors or lawyers (or any other ambitious professional) now, but they were still moms, and they were stressed.

Most men, being decent human beings, wanted their wives to be happy.  Or at the very least, realized that if their wives were unhappy ultimately they would be too.  It was not hard to see if overall responsibilities were falling too heavily on wives, and to understand that that was inherently unfair.  As the generations passed, wives expected their husbands to help out a little bit more, here and there around the house.  Seems only fair, right?  And men tried to cooperate, even if reluctantly so and maybe not quite enough.

Even more recently, the idea that women still carried the additional burden of domestic work became more cemented into the public consciousness. Men who grew up with mothers who worked outside the home and were comfortable with these roles saw as their goals to have their wives equal to them in most ways, rather than having differentiated roles.  The societal messages have continued to be that men have always had it good, and women have always either had to work harder, or didn’t receive the respect they deserved.

So here’s where it gets interesting.  Men, again trying to be decent humans, have tried to make sure they are conscious of being helpful with domestic work, even if it didn’t come naturally or if they didn’t have the expertise because it wasn’t something they were exposed to growing up.  What often seems to result (and this is from my direct experience talking to couples in my office) is that men try to defer to their wives when it comes to domestic duties.  In other words, they want their wives to be happy, and so they cede control over things around the house to them.  But, as it turns out (not surprisingly to most women!), a lot of what makes life run smoothly and successfully is all this stuff at home.  Kids’ doctors appointments, setting up playdates (even more important now with house phones becoming almost extinct), bedtime routines, buying groceries and cooking meals, and all the other non-glamorous stuff.  So, in a large domain of life, there is a power imbalance.  And power imbalances are detrimental to marriages. Yes, there can be power imbalances where women defer too much to men too, or men are reluctant to give up control. We'll get to that.

Men want to help.  They aren't experts though.  They don’t want to be seen as bossy or demanding, because that would be seen as old-fashioned and unfair.  So they want to do what their wife wants them to do.  But this also means they don’t take full initiative.  And in not wanting to complain, they will accept whatever burdens of the modern equal marriage come their way, without always pushing back.  If their wife says they need more time to work so they need the husband to give the kids a bath tonight, check.  If they need the husband to stay home from work to watch the sick kid, check.  After all, their wife had to get up with the baby and nurse in the middle of the night for all that time, right?  So why complain?  It might work for the couple.  But it might not.  By trying to be a good person and not giving proper feedback to their wife, they might end up feeling too stressed and then resent her.  And that’s not fair to her.

Let’s not forget, a married woman is just trying to do the things that they feel will help their family the most.  No different than a man, she’s not trying to punish her husband for how things were last century.  So she still often does the things she thinks she’s supposed to do as a mom or a wife, even if they fall disproportionately on her and overload her with a mental burden that men may not be aware of.  Who’s going to decide what summer camp (or camps) the kids go to?  Who’s going to make sure all those forms for school get signed and returned?  Who’s going to make sure the kids have clothes that fit? A woman is especially vulnerable to feeling like they’re the one who has to do these things because they’re expected to more so than men, and they will be judged negatively if they don’t get done, whereas a man won’t be.  So she might not push back on the demands as much as she needs to.  By not giving her husband the proper feedback, she might end up feeling too stressed and resenting him.  And that’s not fair to him.

As an aside, even without the extra responsibility we can find more traditional power imbalances. Women sometimes find themselves without access to financial accounts that are necessary to run the household or just for discretionary spending, since men are still more likely, on average, to out-earn women and his paycheck goes into his account, which might or might not get transferred into a joint account. This is just one example of a power imbalance that puts women on the back foot. And men can find themselves on the outside of mom-groups that share information and childcare arrangements, feeling like women are more reluctant to include them, or even just talk to them at the playground. Here again is a power imbalance that may not be obvious to the other sex. For now though I am going to focus more on those that center around balancing work and household responsibilities as a couple.

So you have two people in a marriage trying to do their best, and yet they find themselves at odds, the friendship breaking down, and resentment setting in.  Essentially, the assumptions that made running a family simpler generations ago (not necessarily fairer or better) have dissolved.  It is more complicated, because you can’t just assume that one person is going to be completely in charge of one domain (in the home), and one person the other (outside of the home).  It’s not always clear what breakdown of responsibilities will be the most balanced and fair.  Both people end up feeling disempowered.

So what should you do about this?  If you get the feeling like the power in the relationship is out of balance, take notice!  You may end up helping your partner realize things they were not aware of.  It’s far more likely that, than them just being a selfish jerk.  But you also might realize that you need to take more initiative yourself rather than relying on them to magically take care of things.

As far as actionable steps you can take: First, clear communication about roles and expectations are more important than ever.  This means talking ahead of time, and being on the same page about things like who’s responsible for what, and what should happen in the case of foreseeable urgencies (like kids getting sick, being at home for the plumber, or extra time required at work).  Second, if either person feels like responsibilities or burdens are getting out of balance, or just that they are having a hard time managing them, they need to speak up.  It’s much better to voice your concern and then find a solution that works for everyone, than to hold it in and hope it magically gets better (which it probably won’t!).  This isn’t just going to be a one-time conversation.  Life changes, responsibilities change; it often takes adjustments to make things work well.  Don’t be afraid to tell your partner that what worked before isn’t working anymore because of changes in circumstances.

Perhaps most importantly, if your partner comes to you and tells you something they think needs to change because they are struggling, you need to take their concerns seriously.  You should feel like you are teammates trying to solve a problem, rather than working against each other because you think they’re just a whiny person.  Chances are by exploring different solutions, you will be able to find something that makes you both satisfied (well, as much as you can be since life is full of responsibilities).  This won’t eliminate all stress or every complaint, but this is so much better than holding it in, resenting your partner for something they’re not aware of, and withdrawing emotionally from the relationship.