Do you think that communication in your marriage or relationship could be better, but you don’t know what you should be aiming for? Or have you tried using lists of communication rules but still find yourself in contentious arguments with hurt feelings?
One of the most common things clients say when they come in for couples work is “We want to improve our communication skills.” And indeed there are some fairly standard techniques that can be taught. In my experience, many couples can be taught the techniques (notice I’m not saying “skills”, I’ll get to that momentarily), try to use them to discuss difficult issues, and yet still have quite a bit of trouble changing their communication dynamic. So the answer to the question that I posed at the top is not as simple as learning the techniques. Being able to implement the skill is more than running down a list of dos and don’ts.
It’s similar to the idea that the technique of dribbling a basketball is simply pushing it down when it’s up at your hand, watching it bounce, keeping your eye on the ball (at least in your peripheral vision), meeting the rising ball with your hand, and repeat. That’s easy enough, but it’s different than being a skilled dribbler. A good basketball player has not only practiced the basic motions of dribbling enough that it’s more-or-less automatic, but has also learned that there are many additional considerations that come from what the specific circumstances are on the court (for example, are you setting up to drive, wanting to fake out your opponent, looking to pass, leading a fast break, the skill of the defender, and more).
In addition to intuitively learning all the situational considerations well enough so that you don’t have to deliberately think about them, there is another important component to being good at using the skills that I want to talk about. Namely, that you have to feel comfortable in that situation, not panicked. If your mind is making you worry something bad is about to happen, (say, in the basketball example, this defender is on top of me and I’m not sure how to get around him or I’m worried he’s going to be able to steal the ball from me), that’s taking up valuable mental capacity. Your mind will not have enough mental space left to execute the task very successfully.
So how do you make something that has seemed so difficult for you in the past into a situation that you’re comfortable in? One way, not surprisingly, is by doing it and being successful so you gain confidence. But that leaves us in a chicken-and-egg circumstance. How do you do it successfully if that’s what allows you to be comfortable? There is an answer, but it’s not something you can do alone.
It takes both partners to agree to this. The idea is that you both agree to deliberately create a comfortable environment for each other. In practice, this means to allow your partner to share their thoughts and feelings without making them feel judged or dismissed, even if you disagree. And for them to do the same for you. Also, it can involve not pressuring them into taking action (either verbally or behaviorally) but instead allowing them to digest your ideas you’ve shared with them. This is not a trivial thing to do, but it is possible if you are intentional about it. One mental technique to help accomplish this is to separate your emotional investment from the ideas being shared.
One of the reasons it is helpful for a client to talk to a therapist individually (leaving aside relationship problems for the moment), is that the client often feels more comfortable to share, out loud, thoughts and feelings that they wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing elsewhere. Why is this? Because a good therapist makes the environment one where the client doesn’t believe they will be judged. By feeling safe, it creates room to talk through the ideas, which in turn helps someone move beyond being stuck.
This is more challenging in a relationship, because often the ideas being shared are complaints about you, the listener. That can be hard to hear; your instinct might be to defend yourself. But rather than try to tell your partner that you’re not as bad as they think and in fact you are actually trying your best and care about them, try this instead. Show that you care about them by allowing them the space to share what they’re thinking. Try to separate your emotional investment from the ideas you hear. This will demonstrate that they can depend on you for the emotional support that is a key to any relationship. This works best if your partner is on the same page, with the goal of creating a comfortable environment regardless of whether you agree on the issues or not.
If you find it helpful, when you first set foot in the conversation, you can remind your partner that you want to create a comfortable environment, to know that you are in fact on the same page with your ultimate goal even if you disagree. If you are successful, it will reduce the sense of threat or panic that one or both of you might feel. This in turn will give each of you the mental space to more earnestly consider what they have to say. And it will help each partner feel like they don’t have to leave each discussion feeling awful. Instead, it provides reassurance that it will be a supportive, cooperative environment. That creates comfort, and confidence that you can productively address issues as they arise.
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