How to get your way without having your partner hate you for it

One of the most common complaints I get from my clients individually is that they feel dismissed by their partners, or they don’t get respect from them.  If I had a partner that dismissed me, or didn’t respect me, that would make my partner sound like a pretty bad person, right?

What if I told you lots of us make our partners feel this way without even realizing it?  It can come down to some pretty simple things that we can fix.

A common situation couples find themselves in is when they are discussing how to solve some problem or other. Partner A has one idea, and partner B has a different idea.  Partner A makes the suggestion about what they think they should do about it, and partner B, rightly, sees some holes in the proposed solution, or at least things that would make it difficult to see how that would solve the problem from their perspective.  Partner B then says “that won’t work/we can’t do that because of [fill in the legitimate concern].”

This is where the feelings of being dismissed or not respected come in.  Partner A just put forth a good faith suggestion for how to solve the problem, and partner B just shot it down.  If partner B doesn’t do this in a skillful way, it’s very easy for partner A to feel like partner B thinks they’re just stupid, or at least that partner A doesn’t really care what they have to say and really just wants to do things their own way.

If this is what happens fairly regularly in problem-solving conversations, partner A will develop a persistent belief about B that B doesn’t respect A.  Then A might withdraw, not feel comfortable sharing their ideas, agree with partner B while they silently resent them, or lash out at them over other seemingly unrelated small things.

Okay, let’s go back to this initial discussion that I laid out.  Partner B has a legitimate concern.  They could be right, or it could just be a strong preference for how things get done in a way that works better for them.  Doesn’t matter, but the important part here is that partner B has something legitimate to say. They didn’t do anything wrong by raising objections.  But it’s what they didn’t do immediately after that that caused the problem.

When we’re in a relationship with someone, we want to feel like we’re cooperating.  We don’t want to feel like we’re coerced into making a decision that is what someone else wants.  Even if we ultimately agree that our partner’s solution is preferable, we want to feel that we’re agreeing to it of our own free will because that is what’s best.

The ingredient that makes this much more possible to get your way and not have your partner feel coerced or dismissed or disrespected, is after you shoot down their idea (hopefully in a way that isn’t disrespectful in its tone), is that you continue asking them for input.  So, if you said something like “we can’t do that because it would create this other problem, or because that doesn’t work for my schedule, or [fill in the blank]” you could then say “it would be great if we could find a way to do it that [addresses your own concerns].  I was thinking [add an idea or solution]. What do you think?” That last part is the most important.  You are explicitly asking for their input.  This lets them know you are in a collaborative mindset, and you are open to their input because you respect them.  That is the opposite of dismissing them.

It may be that your idea isn’t perfect either.  The exchange of ideas should continue like this though, with explicit statements inviting input from your partner, and likewise them to you, until a satisfactory solution is reached.  Sort of like a game of badminton or with a beach ball or balloon where the goal is to keep the object up in the air without letting it fall to the ground. If you don’t explicitly ask for input or otherwise signal unambiguously that you’re inviting input, you’ve let it fall to the ground.

When this is followed, when you finally get to where you’re going, the solution, it will feel like to both people that their opinions are respected, and they are willingly agreeing to the solution, not just being forced to take it or leave it.  If you’ve really done it right, your partner won’t resent you.  Because you’ve demonstrated that you respect them, are willing to listen to them, and that’s a lot of what they want in a relationship.  Now you know you have to keep that balloon up in the air.